decorum
by Dear Aunt Elladora
Summary: Jimmy Brooks sits in on an unfortunate funeral. preS5 AU


The world doesn't stop spinning, and with his posture stiff in his permanent chair, Jimmy just gets pissed. His jaw locks and unlocks, a nervous habit he guesses, and has never see so many criers. It's all these cliches wrapped up in one dark church -- an overcast day, people all suited up in black, a momma with a perma-frown & matching dark circles of unrest painting her under-eyes. Kendra's emotionlessly solid face is enough to just push him straight over the edge like his classmates, all lined up on the row beside him and clutching Kleenexes like they're their lifelines.

Lifelines getting pondered at a funeral. How hilariously ironic. Someone's snapped their precious strand keeping them on the ever-deteriorating planet, fallen into the void, and gotten laid out for all to see in a big black box. It's nauseating to see a motionless friend with sheets behind him, so Jim looks away.

The chair's leather gives a light sigh as he fidgets, and Jimmy knows he's attracting attention because of it, just like everywhere else he wants to go. He was the special on the seven-o'clock news and nobody's done anything toward forgetting it. He's faced a tragedy, they all swoon pitifully, and it's not like Jimmy missed the memo, being on a constant tilt-a-wheel.

It's so frustrating to think about how much things have changed. Honestly, like, three years ago, the biggest issue was Paige repeating an outfit or Terri showing up drunk to a school dance. This is growing up, some rock star would sage romantically, but if this is growing up, Jimmy will take the alternative... whatever that is.

Now Degrassi's a little far from the happy-go-lucky teenage oasis. Terri's a million miles away at some all-girls' hellhole with an ever-remnant scar on the back of her head; Sean's slumming in his lackluster home sweet Wasaga Beach, and an angry causegirl slips through the cracks to go down on the resident badboy in the ravine she'd tried so hard to rehabilitate. Then there's the assload of metal Jimmy's got underneath him to haul from place to place.

And in the grand spectrum of things changing, don't forget that he's sitting at a fucking funeral. Self-pity hour is over, and back to the reality of the bitter scene in front him looking like it just fell off the movie screen.

The abscense of Spinner Mason has spread from his lack of school prescense through suspension to his lack of social prescense through depression, and now his lack of prescense in the land of the living through just the right toxic mix from the medicene cabinet. They say Kendra found him, poor girl...

People were suprised to find Jimmy at the ceremony, but nobody asked. Even in Degrassi-land, where dramatic honesty is an everyday sort of deal, it's a little difficult to ask the wheelchair-ridden boy why he's at the funeral for the suicidal boy who just as well fried the lower half of his body. But Jimmy showed up, in ceremonial black and everything, and sat solemnly.

Everyone just cooed a little, oh James, forgiving and ... other stupid things that always seem to paint him the fucking hero.

But really, he doesn't forgive Spin. Too much has happened in too short of a time for him to just click it all back in line like nothing life-shattering has happened. Because it has. Two life shattering things have happened. Well, actually, a lot of little earthquakes have happened, and their aftershocks & repercussions have ripped everything into shreds.

Jimmy just needs to see it, in the really morbid way: he needs his brain to make the connection that this is real. That his old best friend who wasn't coming back really isn't coming back. No matter how worn his mind his, this is just massive enough to comprehend.

People always say that near-death experiences change your perspective to allow you to take missed oppurtunities, and Jimmy had one of those. But as far as reconciling with Spinner went, he couldn't get over his anger enough to just roll with it. He probably shouldn't have just rolled with it, either.

He's a tangle of mixed emotions, but the only thing he can think about is how cold that damn frozen face would be if he touched it. Not lively and flushed and all those other stomach-knotting things, not soft or smooth from a clean shave, just fucking cold. Jimmy knows he missed some oppurtunities along the way, but he's really only got one option -- let the damn world keep on spinning, no matter how painfully overdone that sounds in his head.

When Kendra breaks down at the reception, Jimmy thinks it's okay if he does to. The drapes flutter in the airconditioning, and Jimmy can't help but watch them billow blackly.

* * *

**author says..** found this in my documents and thought it was worth posting, probably because i haven't really been up and active in the fanficcing world.. or the degrassi world. written pre-season five, as you can probably see, and there _is _slashy implication in this. i think i intended for there to be more, actually. if you ever saw that second season episode (i think?) at marco's where spin's still kinda squicked about marco being gay, and they're watching the porn? spinner's like, oh, what was marco watching? and i'm pretty sure it's jimmy who tells him: "the drapes, spin, the drapes." i always thought that was the most double-meant line, ever. the slash is so light you can ignore it.

**reviewing makes even the worst writer's block melt like the snow in my lawn!**


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